How broke you are?

Why do I attract to Toxic people ? I always had this question inside my head . Most of the people I have been with or I am seeing drained me emotionally . Why do I end up with Toxic person every time .

People with Toxic Traits are manipulators , Skilled Liers or Great actors .They are hiding everywhere . They might be one of your friend . They use you to feed their own ego . You feel exhausted after hanging out with them . They make you feel less to enhance their value .

I read that Broken people get attracted to toxic People . May be I am too broke that’s why I always end up with these kind of negative people who takes away my energy . Or May be I shine so brightly that they want to leech on that light and take it for them self . How would I know ? . Sometimes we don’t realize that they are the negative ones . We believe we have bad traits . We don’t deserve them . We don’t see how badly they are treating us . We expect them to love us but They can’t . They lack kindness . They don’t have heart like us. They take us for granted and we don’t know how to say no.

This is our fault .We let them come to us because we don’t realize our own self -worth . We lack self confidence . We try to please them even when they never appreciate our efforts. I used to please him all the time . I made him feel so important everytime that I did not realize how important I am . This is what they do . They makes you feel less ,unworthy and still you keep feeding them your energy until you get exhausted . They won’t respect you or your love you have for them but still they want your attention because that’s what makes them feel important .

I don’t think it is wrong to be kind hearted and caring but that does not means you let them control you . you don’t owe them anything except the same amount of respect they show you .

Ache ..

The night was tough . I could not stop crying . I could feel my heart broken . I was feeling dumb that how did I let him hurt me again. I know I would heal with the time . It is just an another injury and I am strong enough to carry it by myself . Have you ever felt any kind of injury? I wish I could heal this pain just like we do for any physical pain

This pain is not new for me . I have felt it before but this time I could handle it more wisely unlike last time . I know I am too sensitive . I take things more personally when sometimes it’s not us but them . People hurt us to hide their own insecurities . They choose easy targets so they can control them . Sometimes It is not them but their ego breaks your heart .I never understand why do people treat me like I am so easy to attack .I wonder why do I get attracted to such toxic people every time . Am I too easy person ?

In the beginning it was all good but then with the time he changed . I never realized when he became so comfortable with hurting me . This is not the first he was harsh on me He did it before but then he came apologizing . I gave him another chance but now I can’t . You can’t forgive people who don’t know what they have . You have to make them realize your self worth .

I never realized when he started taking me for granted .He keeps asking for favours like I owe him anything . Why did I got in return ? Nothing . I never asked for anything from him. It seems like he came and took away everything I had and now I am all alone empty . He made me realize that i need to learn to love myself .

I feel stupid now . How did I let him take control over me . After being in pain for so much time why was I not aware of people who wants to take me for granted .It took me so long to start loving myself but then again I made the same mistake . I gave control to someone else for my own happiness . It’s not his fault . May be I was too careless to get myself hurt . how do i forgive myself ? How do I deal with this pain?

Unfixed..

She said ” You need someone to talk your heart out ” . This happens with me all the time especially during evenings .I feel empty inside me . I feel I don’t have anyone to talk to .I never understand why this happens . Why do I feel sad all of a sudden .I try to distract myself to get out of this emptiness .I feel void inside my heart . It feels heavy sometimes and no one can fix it .

Sometimes I feel like I should write about it But then I don’t understand this void .My heart feels broken like someone left it into pieces and it needs to get fixed . I feel like I want to cry even when there is no reason to mourn about .Sometimes I get sad and I want to talk about it but I don’t know what is “it” . Is it someone who broke me ?

Sometimes I crave for her . I feel Emotional Abandonment . It’s a condition when people feel undesired ,left behind or insecure .I always feels discarded . There is a place in my heart which need to get fixed . I crave for Love from outside world or maybe I could replace her . Is it inside me ? Am I enough or Do I need someone who would complete me . I had a friend and she had this amazing super power to fix my heart. I don’t know where she is now. Although she is still there in my heart . I don’t know if she misses me too but I do . People whom we love the most always leaves some scars at the end . Although No one is permanent but these scars are and so are these people who leaves you Unfixed .

Obsession..

What is that thing that keep your mind stressed? Your heart urge to repeat it constantly . Obsession is a compelling disturbance of particular thing or people or place . Some are obsessed with their looks or some are with materialistic things . I have seen people beings obsessed about buying books or cleaning . Everyone has obsession about something .What are you obsessed about?

I have always been obsessed about people .I gets attracted to them and then I become clingy . I want to keep them close or I keep thinking about them all the time . Obsession comes along with the compulsive disorder . Obsessions and compulsion together is a mental illness.

Well many people do not understand obsession . It is a state of of repetitive thoughts or urge that do not go away. Is obsession bad or good? I think it depend on what we are obsessing about .If we are obsessed about something that is too unhealthy then its toxic for us .People do not realize when it start becoming toxic because we have become addicted to it . Sometimes passion becomes poison and you never realize until you get cancer.

Toxic is not unhealthy always .Being crazy a about achieving your goals lead to successful Life .People usually give up when they see its tough to get what they want .But obsession helps to maintain positive attitude and to tackle any obstacle which comes between their destination. It helps to work for long hours and find solutions for your problems.

I hope It helps you to discover what you are obsessed about and if its toxic or not .

A Letter to my younger self..

Dear ,

My younger self,

I wish you would have known things better at that time. You made a lot of mistakes there but it’s ok .You were new to things .Remember you thought how awesome is it to be an adult.You would be free .You could do anything you want and your life would be all figure out .You would have met someone who would love you for who you are .

I wish you had known before about this real world . Life would not be easy for you .I wish you were brave enough to fight against those classmates who used to make you cry all the time . I wish you were more picky about the people who took you for granted . You always thought you know what you want from this Life but I wish you knew how indecisive you are going to be .

Here are the few Lessons you are going to learn,

Not every Person you met would like you but It’s not important .Make sure you love yourself enough .Don’t take everything personally .What people says is reflection of their own insecurities. There are lots of people who are going to take you for granted so you have to learn to say NO. Don’t be a People Pleaser ,Someone who knows your worth would never leave you .Most Important Don’t OverThink .You are just Stressing yourself over nothing .You don’t know what future holds for you .Don’t ever lose your Self Esteem for someone who doesn’t care about you. Don’t lose people who care about you. They are the genuine ones you deserve. You don’t need someone else to make you feel complete. You are enough.

Remember Life is going to take lots of exams and sometimes you won’t be prepare . Its ok to make mistakes. All you have to do is Learn from them .

Life is going to mold you into better version of yourself .

Love,

Your older ,wiser self.

Accept Yourself..

Why doesn’t he love me? I always had this question in my mind. Why does he treat me like a trash ? Am I not good enough. Is there something wrong with me ? May be I am not smart enough for him or It is I always had these Questions I kept asking myself .

It took me hard time to realize that How would he love me when I don’t love myself enough. I don’t accept myself he way I am . I believe there is something wrong with me . Many people told me I don’t value myself .They told me about practising Self love But I did not know to start it .

I need to understand how worthy I am and I deserve someone who would treat me the way i deserve. How can i blame him when It was me who never accepted herself .I let him be harsh with me . Why was I pleasing him all the time ? I kept chasing him like he is the only one on earth even If he is the last person he should not be more than myself for me . It is so uninspiring when you don’t know your own worth . How can you expect others to know it.

After all this time I wasted on this one person I realized Someone who knows your worth would never put you in the situation where you start hating yourself .You feel lack of self confidence .Someone who takes you for granted would leave you anyhow today or tomorrow .So Its a complete useless to invest your time in someone else Instead It’s better to invest that time on yourself .There are lot of people who loves you for who you are .It’s you who push them away because you feel you don’t deserve them .

There is a song “Free your soul,Rest will get up..”…

It will once you start loving yourself .

What do i write about?

What are you writing today? Kritika asked me . She is one of my best friend I met 10 years ago .I don’t know how she stands me since then but she has always been there for me whenever I need her .She has been very supportive and inspiring to me .

So I thought okay I should write something but what do I write about.I don’t have any content today . I don’t want copy someone’s thoughts.I want to write my own thoughts my own feelings. But today i did notf eel like writing . Sometimes you feel Lazy and Its okay.

Today when I woke up It was raining I felt kind of lazy .I am not very disciplined person..Sometimes I feel like why one should be productive all the time .Why can’t the just sit do nothing. What is wrong with being idle?

I believe It’s completely OK to have a unproductive day. Sometimes you wake up and you already know that you don’t want to do anything .You don’t want to write. You just want to take a break from everything .You don’t want to work out instead you want to eat more unhealthy food . You want to close your laptop and just wants to relax and enjoy your Tea.

My friend Ranjana told me to assign a task and make sure to complete it within a day. So I assigned some String based question and finished them. She is a really great friend I met in Mysore .She is the one who motivated me to start writing .We should never loose such friends who helps you to grow.And we should always loose friend who becomes barrier to your growth .

‘Sensitive’ Is Just Another Word for Deep Thinker

Being sensitive is when you sense things more deeply .You observe people and their emotions like an empath .You find yourself overthinking about small things Sensitive people are mostly deep thinkers .They keep their emotions to themself . They are not comfortable in a group and they don’t speak out their thoughts loudly .

I was a very quit child in my class . I never used to talk to people or never made had any friend. I remember how difficult it was for me to have my lunch all by myself but then with the time I became comfortable with being alone . I was never comfortable with a group or I did not know how to hold a group for a long time . I take things more personally even if it’s not about me that does not mean I gets easily offended .

Sensitive people are mostly over Thinkers .They over analyze every little things takes place around them.They keep creating stories in their minds . They feel more deeply as compare to others . They are more emotionally available and Its tough for them to stop crying when they gets hurt. Sensitive people are more empathic and understands other’s emotion with their perspective.They have their own therapy sessions in their minds .Highly sensitive people are more likely to be Introverts .They are more of observant type of people . They care about little things that takes place around them .They live in their own world and there are lot of thoughts that process inside their mind at the same time.

Being sensitive is not wrong we just have to accept who we are .I believe world needs more sensitive people as they are more emotionally available.

Broken Soul…

When I see around me i see Everyone seems to be very happy But i wonder Are they actually happy or Are they just pretending to be happy . Sometimes i feel every Person is broken . Every soul needs to fixed .Every soul is looking for someone to feel complete .Is It True?

It is amazing how people learn to live with their broken pieces . How people make them self comfortable with being unfixed like sadness is their another home .People feel it is wrong to open up their true feelings . It is a sign of Weakness.Why don’t people show their emotions ? Is it a sign of being weak ?

I don’t believe being True to your actual identity is weak . I think no one is stronger than someone who can show what they actually are . People are scared to show their emotional side to the world . They like to pretend to be Emotionally unavailable . But I think being Emotionally available is best thing one can do for other .

Every person has its own struggle which left them broken .It is not easy to get over things that leaves scratches on your soul for Life time.If you look around you see every human seems fine but I believe that’s a illusion they create for others . They want to pretend being happy instead of facing the truth . They don’t want others to know what broke them .They want to let others know that their life is perfect with no flaws .They don’t communicate their deep feeling or they actually don’t feel so deeply .

I don’t think it is possible that someone has no flaws .Perfections is just an illusion .I don’t know what they hide their true identity . Why they don’t want to face what hurts them .People these days believe being careless or indifferent is cool.what is wrong with being more caring ?I have a lot of question inside my head which i want to know as I am someone who feels deeply .

Imposter

Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve this job or this award you have got ? Do you doubt you self when some one compliments you ?

I got to know about this syndrome called Imposter Syndrome and when i read about these symptoms I could relate most of the things to it.Imposter Syndrome is when Someone suffers from chronic Self -Doubt or lack a feeling of doing something by them self .They look for validation from outside world for their success .When I read about this syndrome I knew all these feelings already .

I have always been an average student and so I have never expected anything more than average for me .I work in some IT Company but I feel that I don’t deserve this job.May be There are lot of people who deserve it more than me .I lack self confidence when it comes to prove my efforts for my work .When I receive any assignment or work to do I feel like I can’t do it. Even if I complete it I feel like it is not done correctly .Why do I have these feelings? I don’t speak out my thoughts loudly when there is some discussion going on around me . I don’t suggest my opinions as I feel they are not as good as others .

When someone compliments me i feel He/She is lying to makes me feel good .It seems I don’t deserve compliments . Lots of people feels the same way even over achievers .

I think Keys to overcome this syndrome is to Believe in yourself .Believe you can do it .You can do better than others .Positive self talk . Appreciate yourself and your work . No one should have power to make you feel good about yourself than you .Learn from Past Mistakes . We all are humans and yes we make mistakes but we don’t need to feel bad for those mistakes for ever instead learn from them and do better.Know yourself .Do what makes you Happy .Know your hobbies because you can get best version of yourself out of thing you enjoy.