It’s been a while I have not written anything . I was busy or you can say I was making a fool of myself by avoiding my feelings . I believe its too hard to avoid your emotions at one point of time . I could not stop myself today from writing as I have been feeling a lot of pain at this moment . This is not the first time I am suffering from this pain that comes with a heart break . I have been through this path before as well .I wonder why do I give so much of me to the people who can’t handle a small part of me.

This is true that I am full of emotions . I am sensitive so I told him to not to play with me as I am not someone he owns . I am not his toy he could play with . He found me broken and he fixed me but then again here I am into pieces . This time its more painful .This time I feel more broken .

Now ,you don’t tell me to get over it . Do you think its easy ? because It’s not . It is harder than before . I feel like I am such a stupid person who let him take me for granted . He knew me very well . He has seen me crying over my mistakes . He knew what I am scared of .May be This was my fault .I let him know so much of me without doubting his selfish intentions . I came so close to him that now it is so hard to push him away .

I feel like This has something to do with me . May be I should not feel too much but that’s who I am . How do I stop being me ? I think I scared off him with my “too much emotions” or he was a complete bummer who could not handle me . I regret that I gave him access to me so easily and now I feel so empty .

12 thoughts on “Too much of me ..

  1. You aren’t stupid, but maybe just scared of yourself and that your emotions are not okay.
    Sometimes heavy emotions are there because of heavy reasons, when there was or still is a lot going on in your life. I mean, I don’t know exactly what you mean with “too much emotions” because I haven’t seen you having them so far, but as long as you don’t have them all the time or suppress them the whole time, it can’t be too much. The emotions and feelings you have are in relation to what you experience(d) and for you something could be very different than for someone else. So yes, maybe your partner / friend (the one you mentioned) can’t handle it or don’t want to handle it. (I don’t know them so I can’t tell.) And do you mean that you are not in the relationship anymore, when you wrote “I think I scared off him …” and the rest of that sentence? The good thing is, that you are still able to feel better again. And yes, it isn’t easy, at least not in a way in which you just open a door or turn a page in a book, or something like that. There can be a lot of even hidden pain and emotions you held back for a long time. And holding them back will only make it worse over time, it can make you harm or hurt people you actually like or even love, although you don’t want that. And not everyone understands that or wants to.
    So for example (since I don’t know with what kind of emotions you are dealing with at the moment), if you would want to smash something, maybe you should just do that at some point. But maybe in a safe environement. Or if you need to cry a lot, that is completely okay, crying is actually very healthy as I learned and gives some relief to pressure and helps processing painful or tragic events. So calling someone a “crybaby” or things like that, is very rude, harmful or wrong in many ways. I saw most people holding back their tears and also did that after some time because I simply couldn’t cry anymore each day. But then the feeling of emptiness or hopelessness in my case, just got stronger and stronger. And then I couldn’t change it anymore, because it actually wasn’t my fault, although I thought that, like you also wrote “I feel like This has something to do with me.”. I mean sure, it is about you, but not that you did something wrong. Because like in my case, in the past I often even wanted to cry or scream but then couldn’t anymore, since it was all burried so deep down, that it didn’t work anymore. So as long as you still have these emotions, don’t try to break them or hide them. At least not with someone who really cares for you and not from yourself. If you have no one at the moment who you feel comfortable / safe with showing your emotions, then at least with / to yourself. Emotions are normal, are human and we are supposed to have them. And depending on the emotions / feelings you have to let out and process you maybe could find ways to let them out. In my case some music and tv series (which were related to such things) and also my cousin helped me to be able to let it out. I hope it was okay what I wrote because I really don’t want to make you feel worse.
    And good that you could write about it. πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

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