Not feeling Good ! I have decided to write because I could not find a right person to talk about it . I don’t know what I am going through right now . I have no Idea which phase is this , But I am stuck inside my head .I am feeling confused and I don’t know if I need any help or is it just me overthinking ?
I am being too anxious these days . It feels like I am loosing everything and I am stuck at same place for a long time . I want to move . I want to go away from everything . It feels like I am in a pain and I don’t know the reason . I am writing with a hope that It might help me to pass this moment.
Since childhood I have not had enough confidence to talk about my needs . It has been tough for me to know myself . I don’t know what exactly I want . It’s been hard for me to choose . I was a lost child ,I am still lost . Sometimes I don’t feel any emotion and it gets numb Inside me . It feels like I am used to it . I am used to this pain and sufferings but Sometimes It gets hard to go through it . It gets tough to move on , to be more productive and Today is that day . No matter how strong you are there is a moment of weakness . There is a moment when your emotions starts controlling you and then at that moment I crave for someone who could read me without saying anything , Who could just hold my hand and be there . I am looking for a presence . Is it too much to ask ?
Hey ! you. Today when I called you I knew I would end up feeling these emotions. These feelings which I keep inside me and I know they are much safer inside me. I feel like I need you next to me. It’s been so long I have not seen you. I don’t know when would I get to meet you. I can’t tell you these thoughts. I am scared maybe you don’t feel the same. I am scared that you might go away when I tell you what I feel for you. I can’t repeat the same mistake twice. This is like being a fool.
I never understand this part of me where all I want to do is crying. Even though there is nothing to be sad about. I know you are there for me. You would listen to me if I tell you what I feel. The void inside me is starving to meet you and tells you how much you mean to me. I know it won’t change anything. Does not matter how I feel, Nothing would change. Sometimes I wonder maybe I am looking for love at the wrong place. You can’t fill this void inside me .you can’t make me feel whole. But still, I need you when I feel like this whole world is against me. They tell me that I am stupid. Now you would say I should not act according to their perspective. You have helped me a lot. No one could understand me better than you .you knew me so well and I felt so safe around you. I wish I could live in this home forever.
My heart is crying out loud shouting at people around me. How do I tell them my emotions? they don’t get my words. They don’t get these emotions. I wanna get away from everyone. There is a lot of pain inside me and not a single soul could read it.
Sometimes No matter what you achieve ,You feel like you are missing something . You Try to get everything you want but still you feel incomplete . Right ?
Since childhood I have been feeling this emotion .I feel like I am not at my home . I feel This is not where I belong . This place is not mine . I don’t feel connected to anything .So I decide to move to different place .But I could not get rid of this emotion . I could not feel complete anywhere, with anyone . During school I never had any friends so I felt it’s because I lack People in my life but when I went away from my home I got lot of friends . But even “Friends” could not replace that feeling . I don’t understand why do I feel so incomplete . What do I want exactly ? Where do I want to go ? Where is my home ? I wonder If it’s a place or a Human or a Thing .What is it exactly ?
When I went away from my home or I should say my House I fall in Love . I thought That might make me feel whole .But Even Love could not complete me .I have been feeling homeless since childhood . It feels like there is a void inside me and no one could see that incompleteness.
Now , this emotion has become like a home to me .I am not even scared of it anymore . I try to carry it with patience . I feel like this emotion is where I belong . I don’t even pray to get rid of it .I pray to get more stronger so I could welcome this Emotion with No Tears …..
It’s been a while I have not written anything . I was busy or you can say I was making a fool of myself by avoiding my feelings . I believe its too hard to avoid your emotions at one point of time . I could not stop myself today from writing as I have been feeling a lot of pain at this moment . This is not the first time I am suffering from this pain that comes with a heart break . I have been through this path before as well .I wonder why do I give so much of me to the people who can’t handle a small part of me.
This is true that I am full of emotions . I am sensitive so I told him to not to play with me as I am not someone he owns . I am not his toy he could play with . He found me broken and he fixed me but then again here I am into pieces . This time its more painful .This time I feel more broken .
Now ,you don’t tell me to get over it . Do you think its easy ? because It’s not . It is harder than before . I feel like I am such a stupid person who let him take me for granted . He knew me very well . He has seen me crying over my mistakes . He knew what I am scared of .May be This was my fault .I let him know so much of me without doubting his selfish intentions . I came so close to him that now it is so hard to push him away .
I feel like This has something to do with me . May be I should not feel too much but that’s who I am . How do I stop being me ? I think I scared off him with my “too much emotions” or he was a complete bummer who could not handle me . I regret that I gave him access to me so easily and now I feel so empty .
There are 7 kinds of Love exist . One of them Is called Philautia . Philautia means self love . Many of us has experienced all kind of love except this one . I don’t know why but for me It has always been hard . Loving myself needs more strength than any other love . Am I week to accept myself ? Why is it so hard to accept yourself and why is it so easy to doubt your own worth ?
I always doubt when I see someone complimenting me . I always believes that I am not good enough . No matter what my friends says I never accept their words like They are just lying to me to make me happy . Why is it so? Why is it so hard to accept that I am great ? My self -esteem challenges me . My thoughts made me believe that I don’t deserve love . How do I expect someone else to accept me if I can’t do that for me ?
I wonder Is this the reason that I attract to toxic people more often ? My friend told me I do things out of my comfort to make others happy . May be He is correct . I am tired of always being available to those who never appreciates me . But I can’t change me . This is me .But now I also want to experience this love . Love for me from me .I am done pleasing people who can’t see my efforts or who just wants to suck everything out of me . They are gonna leave me empty . I am always scared of loosing people though I don’t get what I actually deserve .Don’t I deserve Love ?
I believe loving yourself is healthiest type of love . It won’t break your heart . It won’t take away your energy your happiness out of you .It won’t leave you alone doubting yourself . It helps you to know yourself more . To accept yourself more .We all deserve this kind of love . We all should experienced this love .
Yesterday when he said I take things too personally. was he correct? . Every little things that takes place around me or If someone says something to me I keep thinking about it .I over analyze things or words people says to me .Why is it so?Am I too sensitive?is it me or they?
When someone criticizes me or gets mad at me I gets worried or over think about it .May be it has nothing to do with me . May be its about them . Every person live in its own world .Every mind has its own perspective about things. Their words reflects their own level of thinking .May be it’s about their own insecurities.
Then why do I get stressed when someone gets rude to me. I can’t control their own behaviour .All i can do is not get under their influence . I know Its hard to control your thoughts as I am too sensitive about things . I think more deeply as compare to others around me. My friends told me I cry a lot. Is this a sign of being over sensitive?
I hope being sensitive isn’t a type of bad personality. I hope people don’t judge me for being too emotional. My emotions are my strength. My vulnerability helps me to learn about me. I attract to more toxic people may be because I am a giver and they say “Givers attracted to Suckers”
Have you felt like you are too stupid to give yourself so easily? I am feeling this right now . I am feeling used Like someone came to me for all his needs and now when I look for him I can’t find him . Where is he now ? I can’t see him anywhere. What do I do about it .What do I do with these emotions . I am not able to love myself .I am angry at me .Why do I carry these emotions ? I feel so much and I feel so deeply .
I thought this time it would be different . I thought he is someone else . He knows me .He won’t hurt me . All those things were just a fucking Lie . He betrayed me . I never realized he was looking for better option . May be I was not enough for him .This is making me crazy .I can’t stop my tears .Was I not good enough ? or He was just another toxic human ?I keep attracting to these less sensitive people . People with no emotions .
How do I escape from this sadness . I knew he won’t stay for too long .I thought It would be easy for me to let him go .I forgot I am someone who invest emotions . I get attached .Some people thinks I live on a fairy land and there is no such thing as emotions . Am I all alone on this fairy land ? I hope I find someone like me on this land . Someone who would understand me and my dumb sentiments .
Stay Away from me I am going to break your heart ! He said to me . When would he realize that You can’t break something which is already broken . Yes My Heart is already into pieces , Thanks to that one person I invested so much of me . You can’t hurt me when I am already hurt .I am not scared to get break down .I am strong enough to hold broken me .
I can’t complain about it for my entire life but I can’t even forget it as I can still feel the pain . Every thought of him gives me pain and I am ready to suffer it .Sometimes I gets mad at God. Why would he do this to me ? Although I still believe I am his favorite child . I believe he wants me to learn . But doesn’t he know me ?He is the creator.
Sometimes I act indifferent but that does not change what I keep inside me .I am caring . I am sensitive . I invest emotions .How do I hide the actual me and till when ? I look for someone just like me or even if there is no one I look for happy me . I know Even if I tell you that I don’t care about you that would be a lie . Do you want me to lie ? Even if I lies How do I act ?How do I behave When I see you going away from me .My love for you is so true that I can’t act what I don’t feel .
I can’t keep myself sad for someone who does not care about my efforts .May be he never realize my worth . I can’t control his perception about me .I might meet someone better than him or it could be worst . I hate these people who tells me to “Accept yourself ” and then they ask me to stop caring . Tell me , should I stop being me ? isn’t this against “Accepting yourself”
Have you ever wondered about death? Don’t you believe one day you might not be there ? Then why do you suffer when you know Death is inevitable . This is constant . Everything that comes has to leave one day , My dear .What do you worry about when you know these things that keeps you stressed won’t be there forever . What do you fear about ?
I know you would find this Negative but This is something that should motivates you to live your life at fullest . I have seen people chasing things in this hope that this would bring them happiness . But that’s not true, any materialistic thing can never bring happiness . No matter what we achieved our brain would give us something new to stress about and we humans can’t control our nature . Suppose I bought a new car , I would be happy then after few days I would be bored of that car and I would think of something else . There is no end to our wishes .Even if you get what you wish for Your heart starts craving for something else .
Desperate Energy attract Needy energy to suck your energy .Don’t get attract to people who would come to take away you positive energy.
There are 5 Kind of people you would save yourself from:
Nosy people : People who don’t mind their own business . People who wants to have access to you life . They don’t want you be happy . Don’t invest in suck kind of people .
Toxic People : People who manipulates you to make you feel low . They need you to give them your attention so they could feel their importance . These people would take away your self confidence .
Needy People – These people believes you tend to their needs more than your own ..They want you to be available for them all the time . They take you for granted . They don’t take NO as an answer .
Negative People :People who keep complaining about life . They don’t want to help themself and they would give you negative energy . Don’t try to help them . They have more problems then solutions.
Fake People : They try to maintain their nice reputation among people when they are just full of bullshit in real . Don’t be afraid to tell on their face that how fake they are .
If you want to feel peace and calm you must avoid these type of people . They are everywhere . They could be one of your friend . When you start loving yourself you would realize how much shit your are surrounded with .For your own self-worth get rid of these people who just wants to suck out of your life .