Abandonment …

Do you feel guilty whenever you say NO for some favor? You feel that you should have helped them. You completely have to help them whenever they need you. But why? Do you owe them anything? It is not wrong to help someone but that does not mean you would empty yourself for someone’s happiness. You don’t owe them anything.

People with a fear of abandonment have these thoughts. They feel like they would lose their friend if they don’t help them. They don’t want to be alone. They are scared of being left alone. They feel they are not enough without their friends . I relate to all those people as I feel I am not complete when I am alone . Is it because I am like my own company .

My friend told me “Someone who is taking you for granted would leave you anyway and someone who is your real friend would be there for you no matter what”. They are your real friends and They have always got my back. There are different kinds of people you would meet and they all behave according to the surrounding they have been raised . Your attitude towards people depends on what you have experienced with the people you love. Some hurt others just because they were betrayed by someone they loved. Some people believe in a second chance.

I don’t think just because one person came out to be an dick , the Next person I would meet will be the same. I know I trust easily But I think this is something only a strong person could do. I think Someone who hurt me made me a better version of me for the next one. People who are scared of abandonment can’t give another chance . They become more harsh on themselves and as well on others .May they don’t love themself enough to accept that they deserve love . Is it too hard for them to let go of their past ?

one more ..

Every time I close my eyes I see your face and I try to feel your presence. Even though I have not seen you for the last six months or more than that I still remember every moment we spent. I still remember every kiss we had. I remember That night when we both were leaving for our homes and I did not know I would not meet you for the next 6 months.

I wish I would have held you longer. I wish I could kiss you one more time. I love it when I see you looking at me. I wish I could catch your eyes looking at me one more time. I know you are feeling the same. This year has changed so much.

But there are no more ‘One more’. I don’t even know if I would meet you again or not. How mysterious is life? You can’t predict what is coming next. You don’t know what the future holds for you. Nothing is constant. This is so scary but I believe the universe is full of blessings . God has got a better plan for us. The plan we can’t even think of as he knows us much better than we do . Sometimes what we wish for is not what actually we required .

Tutor..

I had a dream about you . You were sitting in front of me and I was staring at you like I always do . We were taunting each other as usual for our flaws and our mistakes . We do that a lot to make each other feel low . It’s been a while I have not talked to you may be that’s what my subconscious mind was telling me . It is not about my dream It is about my mind which keeps thinking about you . How weird is this that even I am not talking to you , you gets my full attention . Why do you have so much impact on me ? How do you manage to control me so much ?

My heart wish to keep you close to me but my brain says “I am done”. I am so confused between these two But I would prefer to listen to my intuition and they say you don’t deserve me . You are so toxic to me and my mental heath . Is it because of my love for you ? Or is it my hatred towards you ? Even after so much pain , I have feelings for you . I don’t want that anymore . I want you to go away from my life . I don’t want you in my heart or my brain. But It seems impossible to stop feeling for you .

I have so much to write today and It is because of just one dream I had . I woke up and First thing I did was writing my feelings out as I don’t to get myself eaten by these feelings I have. I don’t want to give my time to you as I have already wasted so much .

I still remember Your words , You said ” I am a Lesson for you ” .You were so correct . You always knew how bad you are for me .I take you as my tutor who taught me big life lesson . Why is it so hard for me to forgive you ? I know I have got really big heart and I forgive people so easily . I give them another chance but you have been treated so different from others .can you forgive me for my mistakes ? My love for you was so deep that I can’t forget anything you did to me . You broke me so well . But with this pain of being broken you made me stronger and wiser . You taught me to not sell yourself so easily . You took me to this path of self love . May be that’s why universe led me to you .

Even when I am not there yet I want other human to realize that

You are worthy

you are valuable

and

you deserve love ..❤️

Urge to Compare..

“ Comparison is an act of violence against the self.” Iyanla Vanzant.

Why Do I have such messy hair ? I wish My hair were as straight as hers . Everytime I see someone with good long hairs .I Start comparing my short curly and wavy hairs to them . Even When many people have told me that my hairs are really nice But I doubt . It is not just about hairs . It is about my sense of comparing my lifestyle with others . Everyone does that but why ? Why do we have to compare ourselves to others when we all are different souls with different mindset and different body.

Now a days It is easy to reach and check out other’s life , thanks to Social Media . We can see every thing What they are up to , how do they look like , How do they spend their holidays and then we end up comparing our life, our body , our belongings to them . We don’t realize that most of the things on social media are just for show off . People display to make you jealous , to make you compare your life to them. Never forget that Snapshot of a minute does not display someone’s whole life.

We all are unique people with different experiences . And I believe our perception about things depends on our life experiences . So then Why do we have to compare when even our traumas are different?

Only person you should compare yourself is to be with your past . Whenever you are comparing yourself with someone else you are doubting your own worth . Are you not good enough ? you have your own unique journey .Your life has different goals than their life then why do you feel so insecure . why do we have this urge to compare our life to others ? can we control it ? Can we control this urge?

Yes we can . We can stop comparing our life to others once we realize our own value . It takes your joy away . You must learn to celebrate yourself . You have different qualities than them . Remind yourself how worthy you are .

As a humans , It is our nature to compare ourselves to others but nothing ever comes out of . it .You are just wasting your time . So let’s be happy about what you have got .

How meditation helps me..

“Meditation is not spacing-out or running away. .

When It comes to Self Realization meditation is the best thing One can practice .Meditation has this super power to make you feel at the moment. Most of the time we are worrying or stressing about out future or we look at our past and regret it but can we change it? Can we control our future . We don’t know what Life hold for you but still we over think about little things that are not even in our control .

Have you ever been at a state where you feel like you want go away from everything . You just wants to fly away from your present worries .Well I wish I was a bird . But I am not a bird . I am a human . So what do I do ? How do I find Peace . How do I stop Over thinking ? How do I nurture my body and my mind? I keep looking for an answer and then I tried Meditation and believe me It really helps .

Meditation is just simply sitting and breathing mindfully . It’s does not require any resources but just your body . You feel the moment when you learn to control your breath . Breathing is the most important act to practice meditation . Along with the breathing it is important to control your thoughts. You cannot stop thinking but don’t get indulge in your thoughts. Let them be on surface, don’t hold them. Meditation helps to know yourself . You learn what you actually want from your life . People who are too indecisive and are full of confusion learn about them . Meditation helps to control your thoughts . It brings positivity around you when you keep your mind clear .

It is not easy especially for people who can’t stop over thinking . But If you really want to feel peace you must practice it . It is daily process in this journey of Self Love.

Be Kind To Yourself…

Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”

Something you don’t take seriously is being kind to yourself . This is something which I want to practice daily . I want to be kind to the Person I see daily in the mirror . I want to be kind to my thoughts . I want to process more positive thoughts . This is a daily practice and Its hard when you have been so rough on yourself .

When You start focussing on yourself You get best version of you . It is not about being better than anyone else but Its about being better than your past . You have to be more kind toward yourself like you are to others . Especially at this time , (2020) This year has been hard for everyone . This year is all about you . Care about your feelings what you feel matters . Nurture your body , It needs your attention .Believe me It will change a lot . Focus more on your thoughts ,Being Mindful is necessary .

I know Even when I am writing and telling others to be Kind to themselves I don’t do it for me .It’s easy to tell others than doing it. But since I have start writing It makes me Feel good . It is a kind of therapy which helps me to focus on me .So , yeah , I am working on my Mental health . you can say .

There are the few ways you can be Kind to yourself :

  • Watch ,Read ,Write something that uplifts you .Let your self-esteem go up.
  • Do what you enjoys the most even when you are not very good at it . Try new Hobbies.
  • Say something positive about you to yourself , Even Inside your head you must be nice to yourself .
  • Don’t give your Time or your energy to those who makes you feel negative or sad .
  • Forgive Yourself and others else well . Let it go
  • Treat yourself .yes ,You can eat unhealthy once in a while .
  • Meditate .

It’s important to be kind to yourself . It helps to motivate your Inner self and boost your self esteem .Remind yourself every time you forgets how worthy you are .It is all about Self-Love.

Human Predators..

When you are a People Pleaser you attract Human Predators . They are the one who have spidey sense when it comes to pick people who are approval seeking . Human predators are bullies who use you to feed their own ego . They need self- satisfaction which they receives from people who don’t love themself. Who believes themself as weak person . People who thinks less of themself and seeks validation for their acceptance .Those who look for approval from others to accept themself are the one who usually gets targeted .

I have been targeted with these kind of people so many times . During my school period I met people who bullied me for years and took me for granted . Every time when It comes to choosing between what others want and what do I want I end up going for their choices . I felt guilty whenever I had to say “NO” to any of their favour .I end up doing things which I don’t want to . Even after that I never got appreciated for what I did for people .

Many people lack compassion they lack love and kindness . They want us around them to feel important . They want that positive energy we carry along with us . They crave for that love which we are willing to give them .But why ? Why do we give them ourselves so easily ? Because we don’t love ourselves enough to push them away . We think that we need them although we are the ones who are more benevolent than them .We fall for their trap so easily .They are everywhere your friends or they might be your lover . You can’t identify them until You gets aware of their Tactics .After that You learn to accept yourself as you are. You listen to your intuition and work on yourself . It does not matter if you are not perfect . Everyone has flaws and everyone makes mistakes . After all we all are humans and We get stronger from our mistakes only .

I know this is Hard . When you start thinking about yourself people would discourage you . They don’t want you to get your confidence back . You have to keep moving even when they hold you back . In this Journey of Self Love you need to realize your own worth and get rid of these human predators .You will be amazed with what you attract once you release yourself from these shitheads .You would be Happy and at Peace .

Gaslighting..

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person makes you doubt yourself or question your account of an incident. Gaslighting can come from a romantic partner, a boss, a friend, or anyone else. It is done to gain power over you and avoid responsibility for the abuse that is being inflicted.

Here , I want to share my every moment when I was full of Self Doubts. I want to write those parts of me where my self esteem was so low that I lost myself completely . I could not hear my intuition clearly . I felt my heart heavy . I lost people who actually cared about me . It all happened when I met this person , I did not knew at that time but yes he was no one but Gaslighter .

Gaslighter is someone who manipulates you to makes you feel Useless . You feel like You and your feelings does not make any sense . He made me so comfortable around him that I told him things that I have not shared with anyone But at last he Characterized me for all those parts of me . He made me feel I am the someone who would give herself so easily . I am not worthy of his love . He made me feel that I am too needy or desperate for his love . He made me feel Insane . He defame me among our friends and then they could not trust me . I doubted me for my actions . I felt like whatever he said is correct . There is something wrong with me . I am the one who does not deserve love .May be I am full of flaws .

These people are so good with words that you would be under their influence before you even realize . I know I can’t go back in time to make it better . I wish I was more aware of his tactics . He chose me because I trusted him and I made it so easy for him .I wish I was more wise to save my-self esteem . I wish I would not have wasted my energy for him .It feels great when you realize your own value . You don’t let anyone hurt you . You don’t let anyone be harsh on you or takes you for granted . You don’t let anyone control you .

But you can’t regret your past for your entire Life . Sooner or Later you have to take steps to push away those people who have been “Gaslighter”. You have to unattach yourself from them . you can’t want for them to realize what they have done to you . You have to accept your flaws and Love yourself enough to get over him.

My Love for You..

My love for you has never been enough . It was not something you asked for . It took me so long to realize it is has nothing to do with me . You could not accept it because it was too much for you . It was my fault that I keep chasing you even though you never wanted it .I know you always enjoyed my company . You still crave for my constant attention . I have been there for you always like I owe you something . Even when you did not ask for it. You took it for granted because I was so easy . You were my home when I was just another option for you

You could not love me back because It was not complete . It was me who was craving for your love . I waited so long for that love which was never mine . I know I did not love myself enough to accept this fact . I am just another Human . I can make mistakes . I had to learn Self Love because I need it more than I need you . I am so grateful of you that you led me to this journey of Knowing myself .

Now , I want to to love that person I see in the mirror more than anything else . Why would I let you treat me so harshly when It’s me who is full of of Love . It won’t make any change even If you come back now .You have already lost it Like I lost my faith in me . Instead of chasing you I am going to work on this journey of self love . It’s a daily process . My love is never gonna be enough for someone who does not know how to handle it But It is enough to Fix my broken heart .

How broke you are?

Why do I attract to Toxic people ? I always had this question inside my head . Most of the people I have been with or I am seeing drained me emotionally . Why do I end up with Toxic person every time .

People with Toxic Traits are manipulators , Skilled Liers or Great actors .They are hiding everywhere . They might be one of your friend . They use you to feed their own ego . You feel exhausted after hanging out with them . They make you feel less to enhance their value .

I read that Broken people get attracted to toxic People . May be I am too broke that’s why I always end up with these kind of negative people who takes away my energy . Or May be I shine so brightly that they want to leech on that light and take it for them self . How would I know ? . Sometimes we don’t realize that they are the negative ones . We believe we have bad traits . We don’t deserve them . We don’t see how badly they are treating us . We expect them to love us but They can’t . They lack kindness . They don’t have heart like us. They take us for granted and we don’t know how to say no.

This is our fault .We let them come to us because we don’t realize our own self -worth . We lack self confidence . We try to please them even when they never appreciate our efforts. I used to please him all the time . I made him feel so important everytime that I did not realize how important I am . This is what they do . They makes you feel less ,unworthy and still you keep feeding them your energy until you get exhausted . They won’t respect you or your love you have for them but still they want your attention because that’s what makes them feel important .

I don’t think it is wrong to be kind hearted and caring but that does not means you let them control you . you don’t owe them anything except the same amount of respect they show you .