Have you experienced Philautia ?

There are 7 kinds of Love exist . One of them Is called Philautia . Philautia means self love . Many of us has experienced all kind of love except this one . I don’t know why but for me It has always been hard . Loving myself needs more strength than any other love . Am I week to accept myself ? Why is it so hard to accept yourself and why is it so easy to doubt your own worth ?

I always doubt when I see someone complimenting me . I always believes that I am not good enough . No matter what my friends says I never accept their words like They are just lying to me to make me happy . Why is it so? Why is it so hard to accept that I am great ? My self -esteem challenges me . My thoughts made me believe that I don’t deserve love . How do I expect someone else to accept me if I can’t do that for me ?

I wonder Is this the reason that I attract to toxic people more often ? My friend told me I do things out of my comfort to make others happy . May be He is correct . I am tired of always being available to those who never appreciates me . But I can’t change me . This is me .But now I also want to experience this love . Love for me from me .I am done pleasing people who can’t see my efforts or who just wants to suck everything out of me . They are gonna leave me empty . I am always scared of loosing people though I don’t get what I actually deserve .Don’t I deserve Love ?

I believe loving yourself is healthiest type of love . It won’t break your heart . It won’t take away your energy your happiness out of you .It won’t leave you alone doubting yourself . It helps you to know yourself more . To accept yourself more .We all deserve this kind of love . We all should experienced this love .

Real me !

Stay Away from me I am going to break your heart ! He said to me . When would he realize that You can’t break something which is already broken . Yes My Heart is already into pieces , Thanks to that one person I invested so much of me . You can’t hurt me when I am already hurt .I am not scared to get break down .I am strong enough to hold broken me .

I can’t complain about it for my entire life but I can’t even forget it as I can still feel the pain . Every thought of him gives me pain and I am ready to suffer it .Sometimes I gets mad at God. Why would he do this to me ? Although I still believe I am his favorite child . I believe he wants me to learn . But doesn’t he know me ?He is the creator.

Sometimes I act indifferent but that does not change what I keep inside me .I am caring . I am sensitive . I invest emotions .How do I hide the actual me and till when ? I look for someone just like me or even if there is no one I look for happy me . I know Even if I tell you that I don’t care about you that would be a lie . Do you want me to lie ? Even if I lies How do I act ?How do I behave When I see you going away from me .My love for you is so true that I can’t act what I don’t feel .

I can’t keep myself sad for someone who does not care about my efforts .May be he never realize my worth . I can’t control his perception about me .I might meet someone better than him or it could be worst . I hate these people who tells me to “Accept yourself ” and then they ask me to stop caring . Tell me , should I stop being me ? isn’t this against “Accepting yourself”

Energy..

Desperate Energy attract Needy energy to suck your energy .Don’t get attract to people who would come to take away you positive energy.

There are 5 Kind of people you would save yourself from:

Nosy people : People who don’t mind their own business . People who wants to have access to you life . They don’t want you be happy . Don’t invest in suck kind of people .

Toxic People : People who manipulates you to make you feel low . They need you to give them your attention so they could feel their importance . These people would take away your self confidence .

Needy People – These people believes you tend to their needs more than your own ..They want you to be available for them all the time . They take you for granted . They don’t take NO as an answer .

Negative People :People who keep complaining about life . They don’t want to help themself and they would give you negative energy . Don’t try to help them . They have more problems then solutions.

Fake People : They try to maintain their nice reputation among people when they are just full of bullshit in real . Don’t be afraid to tell on their face that how fake they are .

If you want to feel peace and calm you must avoid these type of people . They are everywhere . They could be one of your friend . When you start loving yourself you would realize how much shit your are surrounded with .For your own self-worth get rid of these people who just wants to suck out of your life .

Abandonment …

Do you feel guilty whenever you say NO for some favor? You feel that you should have helped them. You completely have to help them whenever they need you. But why? Do you owe them anything? It is not wrong to help someone but that does not mean you would empty yourself for someone’s happiness. You don’t owe them anything.

People with a fear of abandonment have these thoughts. They feel like they would lose their friend if they don’t help them. They don’t want to be alone. They are scared of being left alone. They feel they are not enough without their friends . I relate to all those people as I feel I am not complete when I am alone . Is it because I am like my own company .

My friend told me “Someone who is taking you for granted would leave you anyway and someone who is your real friend would be there for you no matter what”. They are your real friends and They have always got my back. There are different kinds of people you would meet and they all behave according to the surrounding they have been raised . Your attitude towards people depends on what you have experienced with the people you love. Some hurt others just because they were betrayed by someone they loved. Some people believe in a second chance.

I don’t think just because one person came out to be an dick , the Next person I would meet will be the same. I know I trust easily But I think this is something only a strong person could do. I think Someone who hurt me made me a better version of me for the next one. People who are scared of abandonment can’t give another chance . They become more harsh on themselves and as well on others .May they don’t love themself enough to accept that they deserve love . Is it too hard for them to let go of their past ?

Tutor..

I had a dream about you . You were sitting in front of me and I was staring at you like I always do . We were taunting each other as usual for our flaws and our mistakes . We do that a lot to make each other feel low . It’s been a while I have not talked to you may be that’s what my subconscious mind was telling me . It is not about my dream It is about my mind which keeps thinking about you . How weird is this that even I am not talking to you , you gets my full attention . Why do you have so much impact on me ? How do you manage to control me so much ?

My heart wish to keep you close to me but my brain says “I am done”. I am so confused between these two But I would prefer to listen to my intuition and they say you don’t deserve me . You are so toxic to me and my mental heath . Is it because of my love for you ? Or is it my hatred towards you ? Even after so much pain , I have feelings for you . I don’t want that anymore . I want you to go away from my life . I don’t want you in my heart or my brain. But It seems impossible to stop feeling for you .

I have so much to write today and It is because of just one dream I had . I woke up and First thing I did was writing my feelings out as I don’t to get myself eaten by these feelings I have. I don’t want to give my time to you as I have already wasted so much .

I still remember Your words , You said ” I am a Lesson for you ” .You were so correct . You always knew how bad you are for me .I take you as my tutor who taught me big life lesson . Why is it so hard for me to forgive you ? I know I have got really big heart and I forgive people so easily . I give them another chance but you have been treated so different from others .can you forgive me for my mistakes ? My love for you was so deep that I can’t forget anything you did to me . You broke me so well . But with this pain of being broken you made me stronger and wiser . You taught me to not sell yourself so easily . You took me to this path of self love . May be that’s why universe led me to you .

Even when I am not there yet I want other human to realize that

You are worthy

you are valuable

and

you deserve love ..❤️

Human Predators..

When you are a People Pleaser you attract Human Predators . They are the one who have spidey sense when it comes to pick people who are approval seeking . Human predators are bullies who use you to feed their own ego . They need self- satisfaction which they receives from people who don’t love themself. Who believes themself as weak person . People who thinks less of themself and seeks validation for their acceptance .Those who look for approval from others to accept themself are the one who usually gets targeted .

I have been targeted with these kind of people so many times . During my school period I met people who bullied me for years and took me for granted . Every time when It comes to choosing between what others want and what do I want I end up going for their choices . I felt guilty whenever I had to say “NO” to any of their favour .I end up doing things which I don’t want to . Even after that I never got appreciated for what I did for people .

Many people lack compassion they lack love and kindness . They want us around them to feel important . They want that positive energy we carry along with us . They crave for that love which we are willing to give them .But why ? Why do we give them ourselves so easily ? Because we don’t love ourselves enough to push them away . We think that we need them although we are the ones who are more benevolent than them .We fall for their trap so easily .They are everywhere your friends or they might be your lover . You can’t identify them until You gets aware of their Tactics .After that You learn to accept yourself as you are. You listen to your intuition and work on yourself . It does not matter if you are not perfect . Everyone has flaws and everyone makes mistakes . After all we all are humans and We get stronger from our mistakes only .

I know this is Hard . When you start thinking about yourself people would discourage you . They don’t want you to get your confidence back . You have to keep moving even when they hold you back . In this Journey of Self Love you need to realize your own worth and get rid of these human predators .You will be amazed with what you attract once you release yourself from these shitheads .You would be Happy and at Peace .

Gaslighting..

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person makes you doubt yourself or question your account of an incident. Gaslighting can come from a romantic partner, a boss, a friend, or anyone else. It is done to gain power over you and avoid responsibility for the abuse that is being inflicted.

Here , I want to share my every moment when I was full of Self Doubts. I want to write those parts of me where my self esteem was so low that I lost myself completely . I could not hear my intuition clearly . I felt my heart heavy . I lost people who actually cared about me . It all happened when I met this person , I did not knew at that time but yes he was no one but Gaslighter .

Gaslighter is someone who manipulates you to makes you feel Useless . You feel like You and your feelings does not make any sense . He made me so comfortable around him that I told him things that I have not shared with anyone But at last he Characterized me for all those parts of me . He made me feel I am the someone who would give herself so easily . I am not worthy of his love . He made me feel that I am too needy or desperate for his love . He made me feel Insane . He defame me among our friends and then they could not trust me . I doubted me for my actions . I felt like whatever he said is correct . There is something wrong with me . I am the one who does not deserve love .May be I am full of flaws .

These people are so good with words that you would be under their influence before you even realize . I know I can’t go back in time to make it better . I wish I was more aware of his tactics . He chose me because I trusted him and I made it so easy for him .I wish I was more wise to save my-self esteem . I wish I would not have wasted my energy for him .It feels great when you realize your own value . You don’t let anyone hurt you . You don’t let anyone be harsh on you or takes you for granted . You don’t let anyone control you .

But you can’t regret your past for your entire Life . Sooner or Later you have to take steps to push away those people who have been “Gaslighter”. You have to unattach yourself from them . you can’t want for them to realize what they have done to you . You have to accept your flaws and Love yourself enough to get over him.

My Love for You..

My love for you has never been enough . It was not something you asked for . It took me so long to realize it is has nothing to do with me . You could not accept it because it was too much for you . It was my fault that I keep chasing you even though you never wanted it .I know you always enjoyed my company . You still crave for my constant attention . I have been there for you always like I owe you something . Even when you did not ask for it. You took it for granted because I was so easy . You were my home when I was just another option for you

You could not love me back because It was not complete . It was me who was craving for your love . I waited so long for that love which was never mine . I know I did not love myself enough to accept this fact . I am just another Human . I can make mistakes . I had to learn Self Love because I need it more than I need you . I am so grateful of you that you led me to this journey of Knowing myself .

Now , I want to to love that person I see in the mirror more than anything else . Why would I let you treat me so harshly when It’s me who is full of of Love . It won’t make any change even If you come back now .You have already lost it Like I lost my faith in me . Instead of chasing you I am going to work on this journey of self love . It’s a daily process . My love is never gonna be enough for someone who does not know how to handle it But It is enough to Fix my broken heart .

Accept Yourself..

Why doesn’t he love me? I always had this question in my mind. Why does he treat me like a trash ? Am I not good enough. Is there something wrong with me ? May be I am not smart enough for him or It is I always had these Questions I kept asking myself .

It took me hard time to realize that How would he love me when I don’t love myself enough. I don’t accept myself he way I am . I believe there is something wrong with me . Many people told me I don’t value myself .They told me about practising Self love But I did not know to start it .

I need to understand how worthy I am and I deserve someone who would treat me the way i deserve. How can i blame him when It was me who never accepted herself .I let him be harsh with me . Why was I pleasing him all the time ? I kept chasing him like he is the only one on earth even If he is the last person he should not be more than myself for me . It is so uninspiring when you don’t know your own worth . How can you expect others to know it.

After all this time I wasted on this one person I realized Someone who knows your worth would never put you in the situation where you start hating yourself .You feel lack of self confidence .Someone who takes you for granted would leave you anyhow today or tomorrow .So Its a complete useless to invest your time in someone else Instead It’s better to invest that time on yourself .There are lot of people who loves you for who you are .It’s you who push them away because you feel you don’t deserve them .

There is a song “Free your soul,Rest will get up..”…

It will once you start loving yourself .