Too much of me ..

It’s been a while I have not written anything . I was busy or you can say I was making a fool of myself by avoiding my feelings . I believe its too hard to avoid your emotions at one point of time . I could not stop myself today from writing as I have been feeling a lot of pain at this moment . This is not the first time I am suffering from this pain that comes with a heart break . I have been through this path before as well .I wonder why do I give so much of me to the people who can’t handle a small part of me.

This is true that I am full of emotions . I am sensitive so I told him to not to play with me as I am not someone he owns . I am not his toy he could play with . He found me broken and he fixed me but then again here I am into pieces . This time its more painful .This time I feel more broken .

Now ,you don’t tell me to get over it . Do you think its easy ? because It’s not . It is harder than before . I feel like I am such a stupid person who let him take me for granted . He knew me very well . He has seen me crying over my mistakes . He knew what I am scared of .May be This was my fault .I let him know so much of me without doubting his selfish intentions . I came so close to him that now it is so hard to push him away .

I feel like This has something to do with me . May be I should not feel too much but that’s who I am . How do I stop being me ? I think I scared off him with my “too much emotions” or he was a complete bummer who could not handle me . I regret that I gave him access to me so easily and now I feel so empty .

My Dumb Sentiments ..

Have you felt like you are too stupid to give yourself so easily? I am feeling this right now . I am feeling used Like someone came to me for all his needs and now when I look for him I can’t find him . Where is he now ? I can’t see him anywhere. What do I do about it .What do I do with these emotions . I am not able to love myself .I am angry at me .Why do I carry these emotions ? I feel so much and I feel so deeply .

I thought this time it would be different . I thought he is someone else . He knows me .He won’t hurt me . All those things were just a fucking Lie . He betrayed me . I never realized he was looking for better option . May be I was not enough for him .This is making me crazy .I can’t stop my tears .Was I not good enough ? or He was just another toxic human ?I keep attracting to these less sensitive people . People with no emotions .

How do I escape from this sadness . I knew he won’t stay for too long .I thought It would be easy for me to let him go .I forgot I am someone who invest emotions . I get attached .Some people thinks I live on a fairy land and there is no such thing as emotions . Am I all alone on this fairy land ? I hope I find someone like me on this land . Someone who would understand me and my dumb sentiments .

Tutor..

I had a dream about you . You were sitting in front of me and I was staring at you like I always do . We were taunting each other as usual for our flaws and our mistakes . We do that a lot to make each other feel low . It’s been a while I have not talked to you may be that’s what my subconscious mind was telling me . It is not about my dream It is about my mind which keeps thinking about you . How weird is this that even I am not talking to you , you gets my full attention . Why do you have so much impact on me ? How do you manage to control me so much ?

My heart wish to keep you close to me but my brain says “I am done”. I am so confused between these two But I would prefer to listen to my intuition and they say you don’t deserve me . You are so toxic to me and my mental heath . Is it because of my love for you ? Or is it my hatred towards you ? Even after so much pain , I have feelings for you . I don’t want that anymore . I want you to go away from my life . I don’t want you in my heart or my brain. But It seems impossible to stop feeling for you .

I have so much to write today and It is because of just one dream I had . I woke up and First thing I did was writing my feelings out as I don’t to get myself eaten by these feelings I have. I don’t want to give my time to you as I have already wasted so much .

I still remember Your words , You said ” I am a Lesson for you ” .You were so correct . You always knew how bad you are for me .I take you as my tutor who taught me big life lesson . Why is it so hard for me to forgive you ? I know I have got really big heart and I forgive people so easily . I give them another chance but you have been treated so different from others .can you forgive me for my mistakes ? My love for you was so deep that I can’t forget anything you did to me . You broke me so well . But with this pain of being broken you made me stronger and wiser . You taught me to not sell yourself so easily . You took me to this path of self love . May be that’s why universe led me to you .

Even when I am not there yet I want other human to realize that

You are worthy

you are valuable

and

you deserve love ..❤️

Be Kind To Yourself…

Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”

Something you don’t take seriously is being kind to yourself . This is something which I want to practice daily . I want to be kind to the Person I see daily in the mirror . I want to be kind to my thoughts . I want to process more positive thoughts . This is a daily practice and Its hard when you have been so rough on yourself .

When You start focussing on yourself You get best version of you . It is not about being better than anyone else but Its about being better than your past . You have to be more kind toward yourself like you are to others . Especially at this time , (2020) This year has been hard for everyone . This year is all about you . Care about your feelings what you feel matters . Nurture your body , It needs your attention .Believe me It will change a lot . Focus more on your thoughts ,Being Mindful is necessary .

I know Even when I am writing and telling others to be Kind to themselves I don’t do it for me .It’s easy to tell others than doing it. But since I have start writing It makes me Feel good . It is a kind of therapy which helps me to focus on me .So , yeah , I am working on my Mental health . you can say .

There are the few ways you can be Kind to yourself :

  • Watch ,Read ,Write something that uplifts you .Let your self-esteem go up.
  • Do what you enjoys the most even when you are not very good at it . Try new Hobbies.
  • Say something positive about you to yourself , Even Inside your head you must be nice to yourself .
  • Don’t give your Time or your energy to those who makes you feel negative or sad .
  • Forgive Yourself and others else well . Let it go
  • Treat yourself .yes ,You can eat unhealthy once in a while .
  • Meditate .

It’s important to be kind to yourself . It helps to motivate your Inner self and boost your self esteem .Remind yourself every time you forgets how worthy you are .It is all about Self-Love.

Gaslighting..

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person makes you doubt yourself or question your account of an incident. Gaslighting can come from a romantic partner, a boss, a friend, or anyone else. It is done to gain power over you and avoid responsibility for the abuse that is being inflicted.

Here , I want to share my every moment when I was full of Self Doubts. I want to write those parts of me where my self esteem was so low that I lost myself completely . I could not hear my intuition clearly . I felt my heart heavy . I lost people who actually cared about me . It all happened when I met this person , I did not knew at that time but yes he was no one but Gaslighter .

Gaslighter is someone who manipulates you to makes you feel Useless . You feel like You and your feelings does not make any sense . He made me so comfortable around him that I told him things that I have not shared with anyone But at last he Characterized me for all those parts of me . He made me feel I am the someone who would give herself so easily . I am not worthy of his love . He made me feel that I am too needy or desperate for his love . He made me feel Insane . He defame me among our friends and then they could not trust me . I doubted me for my actions . I felt like whatever he said is correct . There is something wrong with me . I am the one who does not deserve love .May be I am full of flaws .

These people are so good with words that you would be under their influence before you even realize . I know I can’t go back in time to make it better . I wish I was more aware of his tactics . He chose me because I trusted him and I made it so easy for him .I wish I was more wise to save my-self esteem . I wish I would not have wasted my energy for him .It feels great when you realize your own value . You don’t let anyone hurt you . You don’t let anyone be harsh on you or takes you for granted . You don’t let anyone control you .

But you can’t regret your past for your entire Life . Sooner or Later you have to take steps to push away those people who have been “Gaslighter”. You have to unattach yourself from them . you can’t want for them to realize what they have done to you . You have to accept your flaws and Love yourself enough to get over him.