Homeless

Sometimes No matter what you achieve ,You feel like you are missing something . You Try to get everything you want but still you feel incomplete . Right ?

Since childhood I have been feeling this emotion .I feel like I am not at my home . I feel This is not where I belong . This place is not mine . I don’t feel connected to anything .So I decide to move to different place .But I could not get rid of this emotion . I could not feel complete anywhere, with anyone . During school I never had any friends so I felt it’s because I lack People in my life but when I went away from my home I got lot of friends . But even “Friends” could not replace that feeling . I don’t understand why do I feel so incomplete . What do I want exactly ? Where do I want to go ? Where is my home ? I wonder If it’s a place or a Human or a Thing .What is it exactly ?

When I went away from my home or I should say my House I fall in Love . I thought That might make me feel whole .But Even Love could not complete me .I have been feeling homeless since childhood . It feels like there is a void inside me and no one could see that incompleteness.

Now , this emotion has become like a home to me .I am not even scared of it anymore . I try to carry it with patience . I feel like this emotion is where I belong . I don’t even pray to get rid of it .I pray to get more stronger so I could welcome this Emotion with No Tears …..

Too much of me ..

It’s been a while I have not written anything . I was busy or you can say I was making a fool of myself by avoiding my feelings . I believe its too hard to avoid your emotions at one point of time . I could not stop myself today from writing as I have been feeling a lot of pain at this moment . This is not the first time I am suffering from this pain that comes with a heart break . I have been through this path before as well .I wonder why do I give so much of me to the people who can’t handle a small part of me.

This is true that I am full of emotions . I am sensitive so I told him to not to play with me as I am not someone he owns . I am not his toy he could play with . He found me broken and he fixed me but then again here I am into pieces . This time its more painful .This time I feel more broken .

Now ,you don’t tell me to get over it . Do you think its easy ? because It’s not . It is harder than before . I feel like I am such a stupid person who let him take me for granted . He knew me very well . He has seen me crying over my mistakes . He knew what I am scared of .May be This was my fault .I let him know so much of me without doubting his selfish intentions . I came so close to him that now it is so hard to push him away .

I feel like This has something to do with me . May be I should not feel too much but that’s who I am . How do I stop being me ? I think I scared off him with my “too much emotions” or he was a complete bummer who could not handle me . I regret that I gave him access to me so easily and now I feel so empty .

Have you experienced Philautia ?

There are 7 kinds of Love exist . One of them Is called Philautia . Philautia means self love . Many of us has experienced all kind of love except this one . I don’t know why but for me It has always been hard . Loving myself needs more strength than any other love . Am I week to accept myself ? Why is it so hard to accept yourself and why is it so easy to doubt your own worth ?

I always doubt when I see someone complimenting me . I always believes that I am not good enough . No matter what my friends says I never accept their words like They are just lying to me to make me happy . Why is it so? Why is it so hard to accept that I am great ? My self -esteem challenges me . My thoughts made me believe that I don’t deserve love . How do I expect someone else to accept me if I can’t do that for me ?

I wonder Is this the reason that I attract to toxic people more often ? My friend told me I do things out of my comfort to make others happy . May be He is correct . I am tired of always being available to those who never appreciates me . But I can’t change me . This is me .But now I also want to experience this love . Love for me from me .I am done pleasing people who can’t see my efforts or who just wants to suck everything out of me . They are gonna leave me empty . I am always scared of loosing people though I don’t get what I actually deserve .Don’t I deserve Love ?

I believe loving yourself is healthiest type of love . It won’t break your heart . It won’t take away your energy your happiness out of you .It won’t leave you alone doubting yourself . It helps you to know yourself more . To accept yourself more .We all deserve this kind of love . We all should experienced this love .

My Dumb Sentiments ..

Have you felt like you are too stupid to give yourself so easily? I am feeling this right now . I am feeling used Like someone came to me for all his needs and now when I look for him I can’t find him . Where is he now ? I can’t see him anywhere. What do I do about it .What do I do with these emotions . I am not able to love myself .I am angry at me .Why do I carry these emotions ? I feel so much and I feel so deeply .

I thought this time it would be different . I thought he is someone else . He knows me .He won’t hurt me . All those things were just a fucking Lie . He betrayed me . I never realized he was looking for better option . May be I was not enough for him .This is making me crazy .I can’t stop my tears .Was I not good enough ? or He was just another toxic human ?I keep attracting to these less sensitive people . People with no emotions .

How do I escape from this sadness . I knew he won’t stay for too long .I thought It would be easy for me to let him go .I forgot I am someone who invest emotions . I get attached .Some people thinks I live on a fairy land and there is no such thing as emotions . Am I all alone on this fairy land ? I hope I find someone like me on this land . Someone who would understand me and my dumb sentiments .

Abandonment …

Do you feel guilty whenever you say NO for some favor? You feel that you should have helped them. You completely have to help them whenever they need you. But why? Do you owe them anything? It is not wrong to help someone but that does not mean you would empty yourself for someone’s happiness. You don’t owe them anything.

People with a fear of abandonment have these thoughts. They feel like they would lose their friend if they don’t help them. They don’t want to be alone. They are scared of being left alone. They feel they are not enough without their friends . I relate to all those people as I feel I am not complete when I am alone . Is it because I am like my own company .

My friend told me “Someone who is taking you for granted would leave you anyway and someone who is your real friend would be there for you no matter what”. They are your real friends and They have always got my back. There are different kinds of people you would meet and they all behave according to the surrounding they have been raised . Your attitude towards people depends on what you have experienced with the people you love. Some hurt others just because they were betrayed by someone they loved. Some people believe in a second chance.

I don’t think just because one person came out to be an dick , the Next person I would meet will be the same. I know I trust easily But I think this is something only a strong person could do. I think Someone who hurt me made me a better version of me for the next one. People who are scared of abandonment can’t give another chance . They become more harsh on themselves and as well on others .May they don’t love themself enough to accept that they deserve love . Is it too hard for them to let go of their past ?

Tutor..

I had a dream about you . You were sitting in front of me and I was staring at you like I always do . We were taunting each other as usual for our flaws and our mistakes . We do that a lot to make each other feel low . It’s been a while I have not talked to you may be that’s what my subconscious mind was telling me . It is not about my dream It is about my mind which keeps thinking about you . How weird is this that even I am not talking to you , you gets my full attention . Why do you have so much impact on me ? How do you manage to control me so much ?

My heart wish to keep you close to me but my brain says “I am done”. I am so confused between these two But I would prefer to listen to my intuition and they say you don’t deserve me . You are so toxic to me and my mental heath . Is it because of my love for you ? Or is it my hatred towards you ? Even after so much pain , I have feelings for you . I don’t want that anymore . I want you to go away from my life . I don’t want you in my heart or my brain. But It seems impossible to stop feeling for you .

I have so much to write today and It is because of just one dream I had . I woke up and First thing I did was writing my feelings out as I don’t to get myself eaten by these feelings I have. I don’t want to give my time to you as I have already wasted so much .

I still remember Your words , You said ” I am a Lesson for you ” .You were so correct . You always knew how bad you are for me .I take you as my tutor who taught me big life lesson . Why is it so hard for me to forgive you ? I know I have got really big heart and I forgive people so easily . I give them another chance but you have been treated so different from others .can you forgive me for my mistakes ? My love for you was so deep that I can’t forget anything you did to me . You broke me so well . But with this pain of being broken you made me stronger and wiser . You taught me to not sell yourself so easily . You took me to this path of self love . May be that’s why universe led me to you .

Even when I am not there yet I want other human to realize that

You are worthy

you are valuable

and

you deserve love ..❤️

Human Predators..

When you are a People Pleaser you attract Human Predators . They are the one who have spidey sense when it comes to pick people who are approval seeking . Human predators are bullies who use you to feed their own ego . They need self- satisfaction which they receives from people who don’t love themself. Who believes themself as weak person . People who thinks less of themself and seeks validation for their acceptance .Those who look for approval from others to accept themself are the one who usually gets targeted .

I have been targeted with these kind of people so many times . During my school period I met people who bullied me for years and took me for granted . Every time when It comes to choosing between what others want and what do I want I end up going for their choices . I felt guilty whenever I had to say “NO” to any of their favour .I end up doing things which I don’t want to . Even after that I never got appreciated for what I did for people .

Many people lack compassion they lack love and kindness . They want us around them to feel important . They want that positive energy we carry along with us . They crave for that love which we are willing to give them .But why ? Why do we give them ourselves so easily ? Because we don’t love ourselves enough to push them away . We think that we need them although we are the ones who are more benevolent than them .We fall for their trap so easily .They are everywhere your friends or they might be your lover . You can’t identify them until You gets aware of their Tactics .After that You learn to accept yourself as you are. You listen to your intuition and work on yourself . It does not matter if you are not perfect . Everyone has flaws and everyone makes mistakes . After all we all are humans and We get stronger from our mistakes only .

I know this is Hard . When you start thinking about yourself people would discourage you . They don’t want you to get your confidence back . You have to keep moving even when they hold you back . In this Journey of Self Love you need to realize your own worth and get rid of these human predators .You will be amazed with what you attract once you release yourself from these shitheads .You would be Happy and at Peace .

My Love for You..

My love for you has never been enough . It was not something you asked for . It took me so long to realize it is has nothing to do with me . You could not accept it because it was too much for you . It was my fault that I keep chasing you even though you never wanted it .I know you always enjoyed my company . You still crave for my constant attention . I have been there for you always like I owe you something . Even when you did not ask for it. You took it for granted because I was so easy . You were my home when I was just another option for you

You could not love me back because It was not complete . It was me who was craving for your love . I waited so long for that love which was never mine . I know I did not love myself enough to accept this fact . I am just another Human . I can make mistakes . I had to learn Self Love because I need it more than I need you . I am so grateful of you that you led me to this journey of Knowing myself .

Now , I want to to love that person I see in the mirror more than anything else . Why would I let you treat me so harshly when It’s me who is full of of Love . It won’t make any change even If you come back now .You have already lost it Like I lost my faith in me . Instead of chasing you I am going to work on this journey of self love . It’s a daily process . My love is never gonna be enough for someone who does not know how to handle it But It is enough to Fix my broken heart .